Overcome Family Pressure: Drive Your Own Career
By Amy Hume | Monster Contributing Writer
June 23, 2008
Brian (not a real person) was a successful accountant. He made a good living, had been promoted several times and worked for a respected firm. Yet Brian was unhappy and didn’t know why. He had done everything he should have, at least according to the messages he’d received from his family. But by following those messages instead of listening to his inner voice, Brian strayed far from his true calling –– carpentry –– and was now miserably successful.
Impossible to Avoid
You get messages from your family from the day you’re born. Some of these messages deal directly with work, including:
• The jobs that are considered appropriate based on gender or income potential.
• The circumstances under which it’s appropriate to leave a job.
• The acceptable motivations for working.
Your family may have clearly stated some of these messages, or rules. For example:
• “Of course you’ll go to medical school. Your father did.”
• “It’s not appropriate for a man to be a nurse.”
• “You can’t work for minimum wage!”
You may receive other messages subtly via comments about other people. For example:
• “Can you believe she quit because she was bored? What about her bills?”
Message: It’s more important to earn money than be happy in your job.• “Mr. Smith sure is doing well. He owns his own business now!”
Message:Entrepreneurship is good.• “Boy, she’s really making a difference in the world.”
Message: Social service is a worthy field.
These Messages Have an Effect
As you became an adult, you internalized some of the messages from your family. The little voice in your head that tells you to look both ways before crossing the street is the same one that “tsks” when you consider a career that is unacceptable based on the messages you’ve received from your family through the years. The conflict between these messages and the skills, interests and abilities you possess as an individual can cause lots of stress and, ultimately, lead to bad career decisions.
Let’s look at Brian again. His family messages included:
• “A good job is a professional job, like a doctor, lawyer or accountant.”
• “It’s better to be at the top of the ladder than at the bottom.”
• “Income is the most important consideration.”
• “It’s not acceptable for a member of our family to work with his hands for a living.”
It’s that last message that’s causing him the most conflict. Because Brian is listening to –– and following –– messages that don’t match his true desires, it is highly unlikely he will ever feel fulfilled as an accountant.
Get Back on Track
If you realize you’ve been following someone else’s career rules, it’s time to get back on track with your own. Follow these steps to get started:
Recognize the Messages: Articulate the messages and rules you carry around in your head. Question every assumption and bias you have about jobs and work. This can be tricky, because assumptions are often invisible to us. Keep asking yourself why, as in, “Why can’t a man be a nurse?”
Evaluate the Messages You Uncover: Scrutinize every family message you recall. Is it something you value? Is it something you believe? Most importantly, is it a rule you want to keep?
Keep the Good, Toss the Rest: Keep the messages that match your values and beliefs. They will serve as a guide in your job search and work life. Toss the ones that run counter to what you believe. They will only get in the way when you try to hear and follow your inner voice.
Learn More About What You Believe: You will likely uncover some gray areas where you don’t believe what your family taught you, but aren’t sure what you should believe, either. This is a good time to do some self-assessment work.
By learning to listen to what your own voice is telling you, you’ll be on track to find the career that’s right for you.
John2134
2 months ago
It be great to persue our own interests, but just like kai2084 sed, in third world countries there are fewer "JOB" oppurtunities. but why a job? anybody can start businesses and create jobs. that way you can focus your energies to that what you believe and have interests in. it wud just take a little creativity and a bit hardwork. Patience and guts would also be important but since you already like your own beliefs then those would come naturally. life is to precious to waste in what you dont believe or those you wont consider as life-fulffiling.
kai2084
2 months ago
i agree , though its different to really find the right job, especially for us, from a third world country..u get torn and all u want to do is survive. which is not making you feel you are existing.
Nunnapas
3 months ago
Totally agreed with the article, it's very important that one pursues what one's passionate about. since work takes already 1/3 of your life and possibly has an effect on the rest, mentally and physically. It's very important if you want to enjoy living that you enjoy what you do, and the only way to do that is to be free from what others think or say or what's called "social standards". You don't need any approval to live you life. Only you know what's best for you. Be brave and be bold, break the mold and celebrate your own life. In the end when you are really happy with your life, you will not care much about money or status anyway. it doesn't take a lot to be happy, trust me.
ankitapanda
3 months ago
i m going to pursue engineering but i dont know if i really want that... this is an important article
Negar28
3 months ago
These are such important points! What you really love doing is the only reason for you to stay or to quit.
Hoda368
4 months ago
yes, that's right. thank you for this article. I've recently quit my job because I was bored and many thought I was wrong but I knew I wasn't doing what I really wanted to do.
pakoo
4 months ago
Well, I wish I can follow through this article for my own life. I'm a 20 year-old frustrated law student. I originally wante to pursue an acting, singing career, or may be become an architect. At this point I have not been able to reach my goals, nor have I fullfilled my desires. This information is extremely important for anyone and specially for younger people...hopefully few go through this.
faheezahm
4 months ago
Great article!Parents need to realize that they should not make the decision for their children but they should give information about jobs and careers and give a guidelines to their children to choose what they like to do and happy to do it.Our career is like getting married because you must be committed to it.
xXTaylorXx
4 months ago
great article! parents really do need to realize thst even tho their life may suck, they can't get a new one by controlling ours.
Dewdawn
4 months ago
Good article. The messages not only come from the parents though. For me the messages also come from my siblings, school/teachers and the community where I grow up. It's not easy to be different and want to do something complitly different than the rest.
nisaj02
4 months ago
this is a good article but i am still confused what is right for me
lody80
5 months ago
how can this article help me what is the questions which i can ask my self to measure the jop ?
may be all messages in my life was a negative message ?
stekcop_777
5 months ago
I totally agree with Adutza6. This is something that I am very passionate about. During my 25 Years on this earth one of the things I've noticed is that creative and aritistic careers have little or no respect. In most American families today, it is discouraged to persue acting, or singing, or painting, or sculpture. It seems as though this society has no room for people who have been called to express themselves creatively. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a doctor, lawyer, or accountant. But not all of us were created that way. In psychology, there have been tests that have demonstrated that some people are left-brian dominant(the logical side) or Right-brian dominant(the creative side). I personally am right-brian dominant. And I am getting tired of hearing socielty trying to put us creative people in the corner. Trying to keep us from speaking our minds. Some of the most powerful people in our history were creative people. People like Martin Luther King Jr. The kind of people who changed our country for the good. There are different kind of people to do different kinds of jobs. It is that way on purpose. Think of what this world would be like if we were all the same. Boring isn't it?
Daphne101
5 months ago
I've seen how my parents do that to my sibs but since I'm the neglected one, the only thing I hear is myself. XD
Adutza6
5 months ago
I totally agree with the article. I think I was borned an artistic and creative person. I alwayes cared about what my parents said was good. Unfortunatelly, they think that, in life, all that is important is following the rules in their head which generally refer to not acting as an independend and relaxed individual. While I was underaged, they took the decisions for me so I had no normal social life, no hobbyes, did nos sports and could not express my desires. The moment I had the courage to do things the way I thought were good for me, my life changed and now I am satisfied. I realised one important thing that gave me the power to be me: You can have a successfull life and career in no matter the field as long as you do with dedication what you love and enjoy. This will always give you power to fight in order to be the best and pacience to get ower hard moments. Otherwise you will only be a common person with an apreciable situation.